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TRICK OR TREAT?

Oh…definitely TRICK!

By Sapphire

Every Halloween, children big and small transform themselves into their fantasy roles and parade down the streets begging for goodies. It is the one magical night a year when you can be whatever you wish. It’s also the perfect evening for a little mischief!

Now, I would not EVER suggest that you do any of these things! Rotten, they are! Wicked spirited and ugly!

But if you do them..do them right! And take pictures ;)

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN TRICKS

(in no particular order)

10. Toilet Paper!

Need I say more? Toilet Paper is the primary staple of Hallows’ Eve tricksters everywhere. Police cars, trees, houses, churches, even small children…all look 100% better when wrapped in pooper paper. (Please use clean tissues folks..ew.)

9. Eggs.

Be they raw, hard boiled, or even fried-nothing says “Happy F’n Halloween” like an egg.

Rifle them at screen doors, passing cars, unsuspecting transients. Eggs are a Halloween fashion DO!

8. Candy Muggings.

This is for your more hard core Halloween trickster. You must have a heart of steel and be able to withstand the tears of children. It is advised, should you choose to participate in this activity, that you decide on a costume WITH a mask. Police are not likely to take the sentence,” Frankenstein stole my goody bag!” very seriously.

7. Trick or Treat Flashing.

This requires a certain level of personal security. Here is the step-by-step breakdown.

a. Ring doorbell
b. Wait for door to open
c. Say trick or treat
d. Get your tootsie rolls
e. Lift your shirt or drop your pants and yell, ”HAPPY HALLOWEEN!”
f. Run like hell.

6. The Shoe Polish Halloween Hallmark.

This requires the art of the stick and move. Choose a vehicle. Dig out your shoe polish marker. Write things like,” I eat boogers.” and “I french kiss my dog.” on the windows, the doors, the trunk…wherever will get the most notice. Then run like hell.

5. The Squirt Gun Drive By.

Super Soaker brand squirt guns work best in this case. It’s also always safest and most entertaining to have a few friends with you. Fill a squirt gun full of a liquid of your choice. Water, KoolAid, perfume, or urine are all acceptable choices. Drive around your town and randomly shoot pedestrians, passing motorists, hitchhikers, and the elderly. For an interesting spin, try using red paint. ALWAYS yell, “DRIVE BY!” as you fire your weapon of fluid filled fun.

4. Say it with stencils.

You will need: Stencils of your favorite holiday objects(or you may opt for a more pervy substitute), spray paint, and a healthy imagination. The possibilities are endless. From stop signs to school house walls to transients’ cardboard boxes, the world is yours for the tagging.

3. Nekked Punkin.

You will need orange and black body paint, a garbage bag(to preserve auto interior) and a getaway car. Paint yourself orange. Put a Jack O’ Lantern grin on your largest feature. Have your getaway driver taxi you from business to business, letting you out at each to streak through the parking lot yelling, “Happy Halloween!” Drive like hell. This one may result in an incarceration sentence.

2. Flaming Feces.

This is an oldie but a goodie. You will need advanced planning for “waste collection” purposes. Buy 100 lunch bags. Follow your dog, your neighbor, or your little brother around for a few weeks collecting their digested dinner. Place a sampling of your stinky treasure into each bag. Seal them for ease of transportation. Buy a barbeque lighter. Go from house to house placing poo bags, lighting them, ringing doorbells, and running like hell.

1. Ritual Stuffed Animal Sacrifice.

Choose stuffed animals for realistic effect. It would be helpful to record noises such as cats bawling, dogs whining, and rabbits screaming. Choose a fairly public setting. Dress in your favorite Satanistic fashion. Tie the stuffed victim of your preference inside of a burlap sack. Set the sack on the ground and spray it with gasoline. It will add effect if you start chanting incoherently and praising Satan. Light a match and flop to the ground moaning and laughing maniacally. This one is my personal favorite.

You’re Welcome.

Editor's Note: The Hedgewitch does not condone illegal activities. Should you feel the need to perform such acts of idiocy, then learn your lesson and move on.

Do we really have to say this?

Sadly yes in this day of TV preaching, internet learning, lack of real time social interacting society.

Parents here is our advise: Grow up, teach your kids right and wrong. Perhaps then this article will no longer be "our promoting wrong doing" and might just be humourous.